Leap Of Faith

I like lists, plans, calendars, itineraries, ect. Why? I like to know what the heck is going on. I'm not sure why I'm like this, but I am. I like to have every single thing planned out and gone over it in my head at least 4 times. I'm a planner. I  can't help it. But, God likes to test me. I'm glad He does. Because you see, if I'm being tested that means either a) He is molding me and making me into the person He wants me to be, b) He is training me for a task I'm about to take on, or c) I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing and He is steering me back on course. And all of those are absolutely fine by me :) Now, imagine yourself being like me, the planner, needing to know every single detail of every single moment being planned out ahead of time and all thought out and processed at least in your head if not on paper already. And let's just say that one of the biggest decisions of your entire life that you have thought about forever is being put in front of you and you are being asked to finally make that decision that effects the rest of your life. That is a scary thing for someone like me. Especially when you are terrified of making a wrong decision and messing up the rest of your life as well as others lives. So, you do what every Christian should do, pray. And I have. I've prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and felt like I've done nothing but prayed. Which isn't such a bad thing ( I personally think that's how we should treat every decision or situation whether it be life altering or not). Anyways, I've prayed, asking God for His will to be done in this situation, whatever it may be. And I've felt a peace about the answer. Yet, me being a worrier of my future, still ask. Aint that just like a Christian? To say, "Now God, are you sure about that??" That's not how we should be, but we are. Or maybe not. Maybe no one else does that and I'm just preaching to myself. Well, at least I'll benefit from this. But we have to put our faith in God. We have to know that if He gives us the thumbs up that we just have to go for it. We have to trust that He has it alllllllll planned out, every detail of every day. And if that's what the plan says, then we will be just fine. Actually, we will be better than fine, we will be blessed. And if you like to look at the negative side of everything, like me, even if we take that risk and go for it and it doesn't work out, God still had it all planned out. Not to hurt us. He would never try to hurt us. It is for our growth. It's part of our journey's that we have to take. He didn't promise us that we would stay on top of that mountain all of our life and never see the valley. He told us we would have trouble. But, guess what?? HE OVERCAME OUR TROUBLE!!! A loooooooooooooong time ago. On a cross. He said, "It is FINISHED!" Not, "well, it's almost over" or "it's just about finished". It's done! PTL! So that thing that your going through, gone through, about to go through, it's only purpose is to make you stronger and help you grow, hopefully closer to God. I did. I'm glad for my turmoil, because I don't know if I ever would have found that hope and comfort that I found in my God if I had never felt that much pain. And that scares me. So, here goes. God is giving me the thumbs up, which I'm thrilled about. And I'm going to take this leap of faith. But Praise God I have someone to hold my hand and jump with me :)

Be Still And Know That I Am God!

Lately, I've been struggling with my depression again. I really don't have a clue what triggers it or how to make it go away, but I'm trying to figure those things out. But I run to God, He heals the hurt. I really don't understand why I become sad, it's not like my life is terribly depressing. I have amazing friends, amazing plans laid out for me, dreams, aspirations, I'm always on the go, I laugh constantly and attempt to make others laugh. I live a wonderful beautiful life. I just turned 19 and I have dreams so big that the world can't handle me! So why am I so sad?? Satan gets to me. He makes me believe I'm so ugly that no one would ever want me, that I will be rejected by everyone and eventually my friends and family won't want to be around me. That my dad will never get out, that things won't ever be good, and that I'll forever spend my life alone in the dark. HA!!! Sometimes I do think I'm an idiot for believing those things. God told me He would never leave me nor forsake me. That He has plans for me, BIG plans! Plans so big and wonderful that I can't even begin to fathom. That I won't be harmed but I will live in Him a wonderful life! I have no reason to cry. My God holds me! One of my all-time favorite verses are John 16:33 "For in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" How could you not feel hopeful after reading that? Our God is not a God that stands on the sidelines and says "You can do it!" as we run by Him. NO! He is a marvelous God that not only runs with us, but runs in front of us!! He went before and He knows the path that we are taking, He took the same path and His was much worse than ours! He was brutally beaten and tortured, laughed at and mocked, so don't ever think for a second that you are the only one who has felt pain. And not only did He go through all of that, but it was us who did those things to Him. We hung Him up on that cross and watched as blood poured down his face! And He still loves us! Can I get a virtual hallelujah?? What an amazing God we serve!! :) I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. I just now declared a major with not a single clue as to what profession I will go into, what to do with this degree, and with absolutely no income with this degree, but if God wants me there then who am I to say no? I don't even really have a choice, do I? ;) But that is perfectly fine with me, I trust God with my income, with my profession, and with my ministry. He will work everything out. And shame on me that I forget that sometimes. That I don't trust that the God who parted a sea, who raised the dead, and healed the blind, could handle my life! That is dumb of me, really dumb, for real! So, I wonder what God is going to do with me!? Maybe a christian comedian, maybe a missionary, maybe evangelism, maybe a youth minister. Who knows?!? But I think there is one thing we ALL know to be true, I am HORRIBLE with words!! So whatever He calls me to do, pray for me! Haha! I know everything will all work out! I know He is God! :)

God Is Love

So I decided to change my background for the ever appropriate holiday of Valentine's Day! That was a bit of sarcasm, just to let you know. But I'm trying not to be bitter. Obviously those of us who don't have valentine's will not enthusiastically enjoy the holiday, BUT I am going to do my best to cheer you up and give you some hope all the while trying to give myself hope too! However, I have a feeling this is going to be one of those practice what you preach messages.

So, love. Not my best subject. Not something I'm exactly familiar with. I have only been in one relationship my entire life and it absolutely and utterly crashed and burned. I have to say that even though it brought me some of the absolute best memories of my entire life that to this day still make me smile, I never want to be in a relationship like that again. You know why?? Because it didn't have Jesus. God was not in the middle of that relationship. And even though that relationship was over 4 years ago I still to this day debate to myself whether it was really love or not, I'm always back and forth. But now I know the answer. Even though I have never experienced those feelings since then, it wasn't love. Because God is love. And God was absent in that relationship, so there was no possible way we were in love, which explains everything about the way it turned out. Since then, I have never even come close to being in a relationship. Only one other has ever given me the time of day to actually hang out with me, listen to me. But it is much better as a friendship. So, I'm left lonely again. Waiting, every single day, for the man of my dreams. I wake up every morning hoping today is the day. I try my hardest to not think about it and hope for it, but it consumes me. And it hurts. My heart breaks every time I go to sleep because today wasn't the day. I'm lonely. I try not to show it, but I'm so lonely. Today I felt a conviction on my heart during the invitation at church today. God told me "April, why do you keep saying you are alone? Do you not see that I have been right here the entire time? That while your looking for your love, I'm loving you?" I still wish I could say that I completely gave in and turned my back on my search for love, but it's hard. I do love God with every ounce of me and I know that He has been standing right beside me this entire time. I just get so excited thinking about praising and worshiping God with the one person God made me to be with! So that's my story, fighting loneliness every day. And if your lonely too, maybe this will help.

Love is patient; love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited; does not act improperly; is not selfish; is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrongs; finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

God is love. Now go back and re-read that and replace the word love with God.

I hope Valentine's Day isn't too bad for you. But instead of wasting our time worrying about what to buy our special someone and what romantic thing to do, I'm going to thank God for being the love of my life. For doing something that not one man on this Earth would ever, could ever do for me, die for me. On an old rugged cross.

Thank You God for loving me, even when I don't love me.

Jesus, You're All I Need

Before I start, I was only planning to write on this blog about once a month BUT since I have a lot to say now and I will have tons to say after this weekend I am just going to have to write twice, so I'm sorry but you'll get over it... ;)

13 days into the new year and I've already had so much happen. Some good, some bad, some I thought were bad but turned out to be a blessing. Funny how things work out like that, right? That just seems to be how God works. In the words of Priscilla Shirer (who has recently become one of my favorite speakers!) "God is predictable in His character but not predictable in His activity. So expect the unexpected!" A good majority of my short life I have struggled with loneliness. That's all I have ever wanted is just a good man who loves God and loves me. Except, God has had other plans for me so far. And recently, I've learned that I do not need any person to make me happy, people mess up, they make mistakes. All I need is God. And He is all I will ever need. Yes, it hurts to be lonely but I'm not really lonely. I have angels in the form of friends. The most beautiful angels you can imagine. And this weekend I am so honored to be serving God with them and showing young girls that all they need is Jesus. Because, you know what I just love about Him? He takes me as I am. He stands there the entire time, not moving, not changing, with His arms open waiting for us to run back to Him. He doesn't care about the deceitful thoughts that clouded our minds earlier today. He doesn't care about that thing we shouldn't have done last week. All He cares about is that our old, broken, worn out hearts that just can't bare to beat another second, are healed. Because that's how much He loves us. And I am so thankful to serve a God that loves me despite the things I've done, because I know I don't deserve it. And that's what I hope these girls find out this weekend. I'm so excited to see God move! But I know that He is going to do more than we could ever expect for these girls. And I know He will do the exact same thing in your life. He will meet you where you are. God bless each of you! :)